family church frustrations

The Learned Joined: Nov 30, 2004 Posts: 122

My inlaws have been on our case about church and now my sis-in-law has talked behind our backs to her mother (who brought this up to us) that she's "offended" by things I say about the Lutheran school. It's a classic case of wanting to muzzle someone basically, instead of constructing ones own argument and having a *gasp* actual discussion she chooses the tactic to try to silence me.

In a nutshell, I compromised and allowed our daughter to go to the Lutheran school for daycare sometimes and preschool this year. We had decided she'd go to public school for 1st grade but now we've even decided she'd go at K.

My sis-in-law and her kids of course are going to what they think is superior all the way to 8th. Unlike her I actually know what the kids are in for because I went through the Lutheran system from K to 8 and it has only gotten worse as the years have gone by. Complete lack of science education, poor math and grammar scores. But oh do they know how to rote learn (temporary memorization) thanks to drilling the Catechism into them for 8+ years.

My wife (thankfully) has started to think for herself more regarding religion and told her mother to buzz off (politely) after a night of sleeping on it. She still believes though I think it's more because she likes the community, music, trappings, and chooses NOT to consider life outside that box. That's fine, we deal with that as a couple, it can be frustrating but really not a whole lot more than couples I know like her aunt and uncle married 40 years, one Lutheran, the Catholic and go to separate churches. Contrary to the false christian belief, it's not impossible at all to differ.

The problem lies in others who base their faith more on the community feeling and thus the need for us to be in church with them than on their actual faith. I've actually heard excellent sermons about this very issue before. Ever notice it's never bible based sermons that get remembered by anyone, it's the practical ones that can be put in nearly any speaking situation that do?

What's really irritating is instead of just asking us why we no longer are the church goers we were they just complain about it. My mother in law doesn't ask why because she likely doesn't want the answer, it would probably hurt her because then she'd be confronted with the same questions (cognitive dissonance).

But I refuse to do something just to make another feel good like this. In a way I respect the church service more than the christian in this instance because I refuse to be a hypocrite; I respect the beliefs and order of worship particularly communion too much to do that.

My sis-in-law I've come to expect her judgmental attitude toward me, she's been that way since day one despite my efforts. But I refuse to be muzzled about anything (especially in my own house). And what's funny is neither my wife nor I could remember what she claimed offended her about any comments I made about the school. There was a garage sale that day which is why she was over. I have been asked by people commonly where we send our daughter and if she'll stay to which my standard answer is frank: "We think it's easier to teach our child religion ourselves and augment the science learning from public school than get a slanted view of religion from the Lutheran school and little to know science then have to teach math and science completely ourselves." But I don't recall getting asked or saying that that day. This town is HUGELY into it's parochiol schools, especially the Catholic ones so the school question does come up from people far too often.

A once dear friend of mine responded to my change by cutting me off. No discussion, no questions, just "snip". No phone calls, no cards, no emails, nada. Not so with his mom to her credit who has been like a surrogate mother for years. She's also very intellectual though so perhaps that's why, or wisdom with age, or combination of both.

Imagine any other child coming home from daycare or preschool with artwork of a bloodied man hanging on a capital punishment device. "Look dad, we made paintings of this man executed in the electric chair today!" If that happened in any other school teachers would be fired and the children placed into involuntary counseling. That school showed death to be no big deal, if not funny. She didn't need cartoons, or video games to create an irreverence for life, the "christian" school did that. To make matters worse she lost her grandfather that same year so I had explained to her why she wouldn't see grandpa anymore. I don't lie or candy-coat things with her my 4 year old going on 5 even has an idea where babies come from now, not all the minute details but enough for that age.

enough venting, thanks for letting me. I'm sure this is all similar to others experiences here but by sharing it it shows anyone new here they aren't alone if/when they have similar frustrations.

Rob

Posted: Wed Sep 03, 2008 10:52 pm

wow—lots like you have a lot on your plate.

I like your point about bringing home a picture of a dead man! When I hear people (Australian christians) made derogatory comments about the religious beliefs of indigenous Australians (Aborigines) I make the point that christians worship a corpse and then eat the body.

Venting is ok, I hope things work out for you.

Ian

The Learned Joined: Nov 30, 2004 Posts: 122

Thanks Ian. I spoke with my mother in law yesterday a little bit about it and I think she understands. The times I do go to church with the family I abstain from communion because as I said I respect what it means too much to be a hypocrite. I think she understands, might not like it but perhaps the explenation at least puts her at ease.


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